I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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