we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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