Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
