i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
