Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
