I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
