She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
