She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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