then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
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Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i think im in europe. pls send help
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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