When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
