The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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