don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
