There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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