You're my little dorito
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
