our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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