i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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