the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
