I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
