you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
