I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
