There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
