It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
