I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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