is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
