I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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