Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
