I wish my penis had an off switch
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
