I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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