Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
