I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
