I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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