she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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