i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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