I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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