Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
