I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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