While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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