We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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