can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
