I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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