It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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