All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
