Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
