Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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