I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
