fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
