Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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