Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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