It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
