How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
