and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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