There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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