I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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