this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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